Is that You, Lord? ( Isabella)

I am going to try to remember some of the ways the Lord has been speaking to me and some of what He has said..... it has been constant for the last few months.... I am hearing His voice as never before. I feel Him changing my heart.... drawing me close to Him like a moth to a flame. Convicting my heart.... refining and purifying.... preparing me..... I am blessed....

Well, as you all know I have felt in my heart for sometime that my daughter Isabella is or will be soon waiting for me in China. It is amazing how you can love someone you have never met, never held, never seen with a deep, yearning love that is pure.... such is the love of a mother for her child. I believe that she will be on the SN list. Which is uncharted territory for me but when I am focused on the Lord I have peace about it. Still, I am waiting on Him for we cannot even begin our journey until He moves mountains. We do not meet China's financial qualifications to bring our 3rd child home. Before the explosion in Feb. Jeremy made enough with over time but they wouldn't count that as his yearly salary... he no longer gets any overtime so we are not making enough.... but in my heart I know I am not to return to work... I am to stay home and take care of my babies and my husband. For this I am thankful beyond words... I do however keep searching for a way to bring in an income. Through all of this I keep trying to convince myself to let go..... that Isabella could not truly be ours.... it is impossible.... we don't even have enough to pay all of the bills each month.... and yet in my heart I know that God is on the throne. He gets us through yet another month.... each month... He is teaching us to be better stewards of the money and provisions He has blessed us with.... it is a lot easier to do in times of want..... my prayer is that He is teaching us, so that we will do better in the next time of bounty. There are so many people I long to help financially (Robin, Starfish babies, Carla) and it hurts my heart that things are so tight that I am not able. This is a painful, heartfelt lesson.... But He will use it for good. Jeremy got paid yesterday, was able to pay some bills, tithed (which I thank God for... this is something He has been working on us about and for months I have been praying that Jeremy will tithe completely) and we have $6.00 left for the next week in the bank. I know he does have some cash but it isn't very much. The funny thing is that I feel God's peace.... I know it will be ok..... I am actually excited to see how God's hand moves to continue to provide for us. To God Be the glory!
(Remember I told you I would be rambling.... welcome to my world... this is how my mind works) lol Sooooooooooo as I was saying before I got sidetracked... I have been trying to let go of my Isabella..... everything seems to be screaming to me... IMPOSSIBLE! But my heart continues to hold her close.... to nurture her there, in my prayers.... I also come under spiritual attack from the enemy often about her.... fears, doubts, etc. Yet, each time when I feel like this can't be the Lord, it has to just be what I want, I need to let her go. she isn't mine.... Jesus speaks to me..... Often through scripture. I cannot remember specifics which is why I have begun this journal so I can chronicle this journey. Often through some thing someone says or that I read.... Often through my dear friends who offer love and support. Who lift me up with their words of encouragement..... (I thank you) and as silly as it may sound... He often speaks to me through you and what you write in your blogs. So many times I have been hanging on to her by a thread.... (perhaps a red thread indeed) and I will visit Gwen's blog.... She will have written something from the depths of her heart, her spirit..... loving cry for the orphans............ a cry from Jesus to love them, nurture them, help them, and bring them home to the families that He has chosen for them since before time began...... Each time, my heart breaks for all of the precious children who are alone, hurting, in great need.... and yet my heart soars because through Gwen's faithfulness... through her love..... I hear His voice speaking softly to me...... She is your child Daleea..... I will move those mountains..... and all will know that I Am GOD!
Oh, how I regret not recording all of the times He has spoken to me of my precious Isabella.... but I hope that I will be faithful to do so in the future so that He may be glorified.... so that one day my daughter can read about her journey.... about how the hand of God moved mountains to bring her home.....
This is the most recent.... "Is that You, Lord?" I have only gone to church on Weds maybe 2 or 3 times since Hannah has been home. It is hard with her... it is past her bedtime and I feel like why bother when all I will do is sit in her class room with her. I have been using her as an excuse because in all honesty I STRUGGLE to get to church. I am a recluse and a homebody and it is like pulling teeth most times to get me out the door to church. It is always a victory for the Holy Spirit when I arrive. Anyway, 4 weeks ago I went. Hannah did great and I was in the sanctuary.... and oh, the Lord was speaking to me.... (whenever I do go on weds. I am so blessed... He always pours out His spirit to me on Weds and gives me fresh oil) There is a husband and wife in charge of our children's ministry. Our church is small but we still need people in the children's ministry. Melissa is the only one teaching the children on Weds. Every week! Although I have the nursery on Sundays once a month and when ever she needs me to fill in. I honestly do not feel the call of Christ to be in the children's ministry at our church. I do however feel His call to help out until those who He is CALLING becomes involved. Well, on this Weds. I heard Him loud and clear (you have to understand.... I have hardly ever heard Him in this way.... where it was so clear and I KNEW it was Him!) I was to help Melissa every other Weds. I was to teach the children. I knew that yes, it will minister to the children and their families so they can learn more about Jesus. But He was calling me to minister to His servant Melissa..... It was so awesome because I have been searching for a way to do just that.... my prayer was answered. So, after church I went to her and told her that it was not ok for her to be with the children every Weds. That until others signed up to help I would be teaching the kids every other week so she could be in the sanctuary. ( Do you like how I asked her humbly if I could help? lol I was on a mission from the LORD and I walked in it boldly) Melissa looked at me stunned as she knows me pretty well, I have also told her that I do not "feel" called to the children's ministry but I need to help out while there is a need. (funny how I FEEL CALLED to minister to the orphans in China, Africa, Russia and Haiti) Well, she said to me.... maybe you should pray about this and get back to me. I politely but firmly told her, "NO, I do not need to pray about this, I was told to do this." she looked confused and asked if our Pastor had told me and I told her, "No, the Lord did. And He was very clear about it. " She looked shocked but I think she could see the resolve in my eyes. I explained to her that yes I would be ministering to the children and their families..... but that He was CALLING me to minister to her..... she needed that time with Him.... to be fed and in fellowship with the body of Christ.
So she agreed but told me I needed to do it I think it was two weeks from then. I reluctantly agreed to wait. The next time I saw her she looked at me as if waiting to see if I had changed my mind. I started laughing.... I told her that she knew me well.... Yes, when I got home I FREAKED OUT! What had I done?!!!!!! Now I had committed myself to attend church every WEDS! (My family also comes under attack every time I volunteer for the children's ministry.... usually it is Hannah who gets sick) I told her that after I freaked out..... I gave it to the Lord because I KNEW that He had called me to it.... and I had peace about it. (It is so cool because since I obeyed Him and said, Yes, Lord...... I have not struggled to go to church! Thank You Jesus! I find myself looking forward to it. Usually by Friday afternoon I start trying to talk myself out of going on Sunday... that hasn't been happening... I know it may again but for now I am just so thankful for the reprieve from my SELF! I have been praying the prayer of Jabez often.... He keeps telling me that I must be faithful in the little things before He will enlarge my territory... so I have truly been trying and He has been changing me through His Spirit. I am oh, so grateful!) Ok, back to the story, (if any of you are still reading) Something kept coming up and Melissa kept telling me that she would teach that week and I could do it the next week. Finally last Sunday I told her that I was going to teach the children on Weds. I then proceeded to remind her that when the Lord is calling you to sit quietly at His feet and you keep running around, even if you are doing work for Him... He often will bring you to that quiet place in an unpleasant way! (meaning He sometimes allows your body to break down in someway and you find yourself bed ridden for a time and then you will sit quietly with Him.)
Ok.... the part you have all been waiting for..... Tuesday night I was emailing one of you..... talking about Isabella.... how I am 43 years old. There is no way to even begin our journey to her in site.... I just needed to let go of her.... I am too old.... I guess the Lord isn't going to move our mountains.... WELL! Weds. morning I went to read the lesson for that night and to prepare for it.... This is what the lesson was about...... Elizabeth and Zachariah were very old. They had been praying to the Lord for years and years for a son. Finally they thought they were just too old and that they would never have their son. When Zachariah went into the temple to burn incense to the Lord, the angel Gabriel appeared and told him that Elizabeth was going to have a son and his name is John. He would prepare the way for the Messiah. Well Zachariah didn't believe so the Lord struck him dumb until the baby was born.
Ok....... "Lord, Is that You?!!!!!!!" This is how He has been speaking to me.... these kinds of things..... of all the Bible stories in the Bible..... all the reasons Melissa kept putting me off from teaching..... of all the weeks and months I didn't attend Weds..... now, the very first lesson I teach.... the day after I said, "I am just too old!" and this is "my lesson" I just can't believe that it is a mere coincidence.... NO! it is a God-o-ince! He is speaking to me! I believe it is You Jesus! You are constant. You have been speaking to me and I thank You that I am finally hearing You! I thank You that I have begun this chronicle of your words to me on this journey... for even though in my heart of hearts I know it is You.... I know Isabella is mine.... I know you are calling us to the mission field.... my mind tries to walk by site and says no, it isn't so.... it is impossible...... "WELL," I say to my mind, "You are MISTAKEN! My God is an awesome God! He is able to do ALL things! With God NOTHING is impossible! If He tells me He is going to move mountains then He will move mountains in His perfect timing..... He is ABLE.... after all, is He not the One who created those mountains!"
So, I find myself asking, "Lord, is that You?" And I believe (when I am focused on Him) that Yes, it is Him.....
What do you think?