Lord, is that You? CHINA

Oh so much to share..... so many times over the last few months that He has spoken to me regarding China. And yet, I did not record His words.... and I have forgotten most of them.... Amazing that I could so easily lose in the recesses of my mind a word and or confirmation from GOD! So, I will record what I can remember.

First let me say that I have had a heart for missions for almost 15 years. From the time I was saved. A deep burden and love especially for the peoples of Africa, China, Russia and Haiti. Isn't it amazing that my children are from two of those countries. For quite a few years I saw us living in Russia as missionaries some day. I have had a heart for Africa and her children since I was a child. If I wasn't married or a mom, I wouldn't be surprised if the Lord had sent me there.... but, oh, how thankful I am for my family! I have longed to take mission trips to Haiti as well to minister to the orphans and for spiritual warfare in Jesus' name as there is such a stronghold there. (all of these countries have strongholds by the enemy... but for some reason I always feel like in Haiti, if I ever go I will be engaged in a MAJOR spiritual battle.) And about 13 years ago I had it in my heart to go on a mission trip to China and "bring" Bibles in. Well, as deeply as my heart has cried out for these beautiful people to know Jesus.... to be ministered to by me through the Lord. I have yet to be able to go on a mission trip YET. This has actually been a source of grief for me. Before Nicholas came home my ONLY consolation of being a Mom without her children was that perhaps the Lord would call me into the mission field full time.
Well, the last few months the desire to move to China as full time missionaries has been growing within me. I can't let go of it.... I try to talk myself out of it.... "How could God use us? We are a mess.... we are a dysfunctional family, our walk with the Lord is no where near how it should be. Jeremy and I are at each other very often. (Jesus has brought much healing there but we still have a long way to go) How could we possibly be missionaries, telling others about Jesus... they would think we were total hypocrites! God can't use us..." I would also come under spiritual attack. Including the things above. The accuser of the brethren (satan who I will refer to as the enemy or the defeated one!) would and does constantly whisper in my ear, "God can't use you!"
And fear...... oh, the fear......... what will happen to us? Our families will think we are crazy Born Again Christians and disown us. What if we end up in prison Lord? Who will take care of my babies! What if I get tortured in prison.... I cry at pain. Oh, Lord if that happens give me the strength to endure, to praise you and glorify you. What if I get someone else in trouble for learning and following Jesus? What if my children get sick from the water or some horrible disease? We won't have any health insurance. The Dr.s and hospitals there are NOTHING like ours. How will we survive? How will we have an income? I can live in a tiny hut but oh, how I would love running water Lord.... and a toilet. My knees can't do a squatty potty! And my personal favorite fear attack....... one night as I lie awake thinking of China.... it HIT ME! the fear of being afraid! ( you may have to think about that one for a while. lol) This is it in a nut shell (or nutcase for me) Before Jeremy I used to get what I called anxiety attacks. (they aren't but I don't know what else to call them.) They would hit often and out of no where. ( I have also battled depression since I was a little girl) (ohhhh I can't believe I am telling you all this but it is part of my journey and I truly felt led to share it with you all..... please don't write me off as a crazy loon) These attacks would come over me like a wave. The only way I could describe them was this overwhelming lost, empty, sad, hopeless, frightened feeling.... it feels like I am lost in a desert.... I have no food, water, shelter.... I am just walking aimlessly.... it is dusk, the night is closing in on me. I hear coyotes howling and I am just waiting for them to come and eat me. (I feel like a fool sharing this..... I know I am going to regret it but for now I will forge ahead and hope you all still love me.) Anyway, since Jeremy and I have been together I don't get these very often. I know it is mostly due to my relationship with Jesus, I have security now.... but they still hit sometimes.... so, all of a sudden I thought to myself..... what if you go to China and that is how you feel? AFRAID! Then I realized I had stumbled upon an entire new category of fear for me.... the fear of being afraid. OH, BROTHER! I had to laugh at this one but truthfully, it is still there.
Having set the stage.... I just want to tell you that this stuff was and has been happening almost daily for months now. And each time as I try to talk myself out of it.... that it just couldn't be God calling us to the mission field or I am paralyzed in fear... trying to get myself to let go of this crazy, consuming desire to move to China and serve the Lord and help people to know Him and love Him and minister to the precious little ones without families.... the Lord speaks to me.... I remember one time, I became adamant! There was no way God could use Jeremy and I. Then I went to some one's blog (might have been one of yours) and someone had done a post with something written by I think it was Max Lucado about how we think that God can't use us.... but how he used Moses, (who argued with God that he was a stutterer and couldn't possibly be God's spokesman) David, (who was an adulterer) Paul, (who murdered Christians and persecuted the church as much as he could) Peter, (who denied Jesus three times) and the list went on and on, it was written much more eloquently. I need to find it because it is quite powerful. Anyway, I believe it was God speaking to me.... I was humbled.... God is bigger than me..... He is bigger than all of my short comings.... He is bigger than my sinful self.... I heard Him softly whisper to me, "Do you love Me?" "oh, yes Lord..... yes, I love You." "That is all you need."
After that I was certain the Lord was calling us to China.... that He had given me confirmation. That He had spoken to me..... This is the cycle I have been on daily...." Lord I believe, Help my unbelief!" Each time I doubt, I try to give up and each time He addresses the issues I am having and speaks to me... gives me confirmation.... I am then certain! Until a few hours later when I start doubting myself again!
One time when I was being assaulted by fears.... to the point that I was thinking, "No way! We can't do this... what about my children?!!!" (I think it was the time that I was suddenly afraid of getting there and being afraid) I was going to go to bed. In my night stand table I have a little stack of scripture cards that a friend made me in the drawer. I hadn't looked or even thought of them in probably more than a year. Well, as I was going to bed I was crying out to the Lord to speak to me.... please help me.... and I thought of those cards... I knew He was going to speak to me through them. So, I said "Ok, Lord, which one do you want me to read?" I instantly knew it was the top one. Whenever I am doing a devotional, Bible study, whatever it is and I fall away from it... whenever I pick it back up I am right where I need to be to minister to me for that day.... He just never fails me.... So, I knew that He would meet me right where we left off with exactly what I needed. I eagerly opened the drawer and lifted the card out. This is what "HE" said, "Be anxious for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4: 6-7
"Lord, is that You?" I say, "YES!" out of all of the thousands and thousands of scriptures in God's word.... it simply cannot be a coincidence when He does this! This is one of the ways He has been talking to me constantly these last months confirming that Yes, He is calling us to China to serve Him. I don't know how or when but today He told me at church that Yes, He was calling me, that He is preparing me.... (and my family) and one day He will send us to China.
I say, "Here I am Lord, send me."
There are many, many more times and ways that He has spoken to me about this... I remember some of them and they will blow your mind... at least they have blown mine! It is just so exciting when you hear the Voice of God.... it is very humbling.... I will share more soon... but I am afraid I have rambled on and on and have lost most of you.... Thank you for listening.... thank you for sharing.... your words of encouragement, support, friendship, and love (not thinking I am out of my mind) means more to me than you will ever know! God bless you sweet friends... and sweet, sweet dreams.