He is Faithful!

I want to share with you a short video I just watched on Pastor Francis Chan's blog. It's truth can change your life.

This is where my family has been financially for some time now. I now realize it is a good thing! It is a God thing! It is a blessing and I am going to rest in it.... I am going to embrace it. I am going to keep my eyes fixed upon Jesus and trust Him to give us our daily bread!!!!!!!
Just like manna falling from the sky, if we have too much it spoils.... if we try to consume it, to take in the extra it makes us sick.... I am so excited! For the first time in my life I don't want extra, more..... I only want what God wants for me, for my family. I know He will give us enough to keep a roof over our heads and food in our tummy's.... He will provide for our children. He will provide the way, the means, the finances daily, to bring our Isabella home. Step by step, day by day...... just enough to keep us focused on Him, just enough to not get lost in the treasures of this world, just enough to grow daily in our faith of His faithfulness, and just enough to glorify God from Whom all blessings flow. How liberating it is to let go and let God!
Thank You Jesus for our daily bread! If there is "extra" just like the manna from heaven it it not meant to be stored up but to be shared..... there are so many who need manna.... who need their daily bread and perhaps Jesus is calling you to be the vessel He chooses to work through to supply that manna..... whether it be to a family in town that is having a hard time feeding their family. The single Mom, raising her children and could really use an hour or two just to be alone, spending quiet time with the Lord. (yes, our time is Manna, daily bread also) The missionary family serving God and the people in a far away land.... who trust in Jesus daily for their manna from heaven to feed their family and keep the ministry alive. (Just as it should be) The family trying to bring their child home from China, Russia, Africa, Guatamala, where ever their little one may be..... as they struggle, pray, and trust the Lord to provide the finances to pay the adoption fees. The little orphaned child and their caregivers who only have broth to eat and a meal of rice perhaps twice a month..............
Manna is falling from the sky my friends.......... it is from the Father above. Gather what you need for your family that DAY and share with others in the Name of Jesus who are waiting for, hoping for, praying for, needing their daily bread! After all...... it all belongs to the Lord anyway...... it never was truly ours to begin with.
I join in with Pastor Chan and challenge you to pray this prayer.....

Proverbs 30: 7-9

Two things I request of You

(Deprive me not before I die):

Remove falsehood and lies far from me;

Give me neither poverty nor riches-

Feed me with the food allotted to me;

Lest I be full and deny You,

And say, "Who is the LORD?

Or lest I be poor and steal,

And profane the name of God.

Then enjoy the ride! Oh, the wonder of watching God work in your life! Of watching God work in your family! Of watching God work in you!

Pray the prayer! Open the doors to your store houses and let it flow.................... don't worry about tommorrow.... invest in ETERNITY, invest in the things of the Lord. It's a SURE THING!
I am so excited for what God has instore for us.

(Gwen shared on her blog about a devotional that she is doing that is challenging her in her walk with the Lord.... is changing her..... it is called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I just received it yesterday and have only made it through the introduction and I can feel God stirring my spirit...... I can feel Him drawing me closer to Him..... I say, "Yes, Lord." I encourage you to get a copy of this book..... Jesus is waiting for you.)

It's A True Story.....

First I have to say that I have not written in so long because I have not been hearing God's voice for a few months now.... Has He been speaking to me? Most likely. However, when I do not spend enough time with Him each day I do not hear His voice.... or at least I don't listen.
Oh, how merciful our God is..... our Abba, Father waits for us with open arms....
The night before last I was visiting Gwen's blog and as I read her post about yet another fundraiser to bring Joseph and Abagail home it hit me! Isabella is mine!!! She has been placed in my heart by God and He is going to move the mountains to bring her home. He has already been moving in her Daddy's heart. Thank You Jesus! I haven't really been fundraising before because I didn't want to mislead people in case we never begin our journey to bring Isabella home. I don't want to be a fraud. However I believe God is impressing upon my heart, mind and spirit that she is indeed ours and it is time to start raising money for when we can begin our paperwork to find her. I emailed Robin and Gwen (I love you both dearly) to tell them my happy news! Isabella is mine! She is my journey of Faith...... so I am going to walk in it!
So, yesterday morning I got to church and I just felt like I was going to get a word from the Lord. Something I have not felt for a while now. I was filled with excitement and anticipation.
As my Pastor began to speak I wrote these words in my notebook. "Speak to me Lord. Hoping for another word of confirmation for Isabella and for the mission field." I told the Lord I was sorry for not having more faith..... that I shouldn't need to hear confirmation from Him AGAIN! But I so often doubt MYSELF and would oh, so appreciate Him confirming that I am to walk in faith that these burning desires in my heart are from Him.
We all stood as our Pastor started reading Romans 8:6-17 aloud. As he read the Word of God and I was followed along we got to verse 15... the Spirit of ADOPTION.... the word seemed to jump off the page!
After that I just started talking to God ... writing in my notebook as fast as I could...

"Romans 8:15... the Spirist of adoption... I know in Your Word that you are speaking of Your adoption of us Abba Father. But I can't help but believe as Pastor Dan read this section of scripture aloud the word "adoption" just sounded louder, clearer. I just don't hink it was a coincidence. The word is not in all of the Bible that often for it to not be You, yet again confirming that Isabella is ours. My China Heart. Lord Jesus please move those mountains. we need a miracle. To God bel the glory. Thank You Father for my three precious children. God's Speed my precious pearl...
Thank You God for speaking to me!"

A little further along in the sermon and this happened.... when it did I actually let out a little shocked laugh because it just hit me so hard! This is what I wrote in my notebook.

"Now P. Dan is speaking about "Divine Appointments" about how the church is not doing what it is suppossed to. We are to be sharing Jesus. Then he spoke the Great Commission. "Go ye therfore into all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
Matt 28:19
Thank You Lord!
It is settled.
We will adopt Isabella and we will serve You in the missionfield. Time and time again you ahve confirmed it. Help me to walk in faith Father. Prepare our hearts and our lives.
Have Thine Own way Lord!
Matt 10:39 was in the sermon too."

How many times am I going to question that God is calling us to these two most blessed events. Time and time again He assures me. With God, nothing is impossible.... so I am going to start believing and preparing for when He opens the door for us to take the next step....... the next step to my child.... the next step to serving Him in the mission field..... oh, how I pray for a mighty harvest that people will be saved, that they will except Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.
Thank You Father for speaking to me, for causing me to hear and for answering my prayer yet again..... Lord I believe.... help my unbelief!

Something else incredible happened yesterday at church as well..... it was a Divine appointment. I will share about it soon.....
Sweet dreams my precious Isabella...... may you stay nestled safely in the arms of Jesus.
I love you ,
Mama

Fall.....

When I was younger... Fall was not one of my favorite seasons... with each passing year I find myself enjoying fall more, appreciating it more, falling in love with this beautiful season more...
Fall is fast approaching.... I find myself stepping into that season of my life.... It isn't as new and fresh as spring.... yet just as lovely. The colors aren't as bright and cheerful... but they have warmth and depth. It is a time where the trees have finally born fruit... the nectar is sweet and ready to be picked, to be enjoyed, to provide nutrients to those around it. To be a witness of the sweetness of the One who Created the fruit.... the One whose light shone on it in order for it to grow and bare fruit.
The fields are ripe for the harvest.... It is time to no longer skip along.... singing MY song.... it is time to sing the song of JOY of TRUTH of Him... of Jesus. It is time to each day go into the fields for my Lord, with my Lord and gather the harvest...
Yes, I love spring.... it is beautiful.... but fall is just as lovely..... it's takes on new depths of being... a deeper walk with the Lord...
Thank You Jesus for the seasons of life.... thank You Lord for this most beautiful season of fall... May I each day take the long walk with You.... side by side... talking, listening, watching, joining in with Your work.... and when I begin to tire Lord... help me to stop and rest... to sit at Your feet... to partake of Your Bread and to listen..... to "Be Still and Know that I Am God"......
Lord, help me to be faithful to You...... it is past time to do so...... it is the time in my life where I have no more excuses.... it is time to ripen, to mature and bare fruit.... Help me to put You upon the throne of my heart.... to serve You in everything I do.... no task is too menial for me Lord... I must humble myself... stay the coarse and do ALL things for You... for Your glory.... in that You will be glorified and hearts will be won for You Jesus....
Have Thine Own way Lord.... Have Thine Own way...
Hello fall....... it has been a long journey.... but it is so nice to have arrived....

You Cannot Reach the Mountains Tops With Out HIM...

We search for the answers..... for God's answer.... yet so often we run in circles, like a cat chasing it's tail.... more and more frantic trying to get THE answer we seek... But Jesus is faithful.... merciful and oh, how He loves us..... He is patient and long suffering.... He tried to speak to my heart, mind and spirit yesterday through my Pastor, his wife and my dear friend Aida.... oh, I didn't want to hear. I had plans to serve the LORD! BIG PLANS! Aida said more than once as she loved me enough to share Godly council with me, "I know this is not what you want to hear." But, my spirit was gently telling my weeping heart (literally) to listen.... she does truly understand your heart's desire to serve... she isn't saying that He isn't going to send you, that this desire isn't from Jesus.... she is saying the time is not now that He is sending us to China or anywhere.... the time is now to minister to my husband and children and to listen to HIS guidance for how He would have me serve Him each day. My flesh with all of it's good intentions (HA!) was kicking and screaming..... "No, No I MUST serve the Lord! I must share the Good News!" But when it is contrary to His timing, to the plan He has for you in this moment.... then it does not glorify Him, it does not please Him, it does not serve Him. It is an act of rebellion and that is from the pit of hell.
Soooooooooooo this morning as I TOLD my flesh that I was going to spend time with the Lord before anything else. I opened my Bible and my devotional "My Utmost For His Highest" with great anticipation.... knowing He was going to meet me there.....
I opened my Bible to Numbers 14 where I had left off.... I found my story written on it's pages.... I have grand plans and desires... I believe they have been placed in my heart and spirit by the Lord. But all I see are these "giant" obstacles keeping me from reaching the promised land.... I become so discouraged and think it is IMPOSSIBLE! Then I am humbled as He reminds me that He is GOD! That He spoke the world into existence.... nothing is Impossible with God. So, I once again say with fervor, "Yes, Lord." in my zeal and my desire...(notice all the my s) I see my goal.... the mountaintop. And I forge ahead! Numbers 15:44 But they presumed to go up to the mountaintop. "Thank You Jesus for gently reminding me this morning that we can not reach the mountain top with out You." How our flesh can convince us that we can is truly amazing.... for You are our mountaintop.... there simply is no mountaintop with out You.
Now I turned to my devotional which I rarely read... but when I do He is faithful to meet me where I am... I just knew He would speak to me.... this is what He said,
My Utmost For His Highest July 28
After Obedience- What?
"And straightway He constrained His disciples to get into the ship, and to go to the other side..." Mark vi. 45-52
We are apt to imagine that if Jesus Christ constrains us, and we obey Him, He will lead us to great success. We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not. The question of getting to a particular end is a mere incident. What we call the process, God calls the end.
What is my dream of God's purpose? His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. (I have a long way to go to be this!) God is not working towards a particular finish; His end is the process- that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that is is all right because I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God.
God's training if for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterwards. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end.
God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious.

Sooooooooo.... Do I believe He is calling my family to the mission field? "Yes." Can I get us there? "No." I cannot reach the mountaintop with out Him! So, my aim is to walk with Him daily.... to ask Him to open my eyes to how I may serve Him "this"day....I do not want to loose any more todays wishing for or worrying about tomorrow... and I need to wait upon the Lord to open the doors of the mission field. His words to me.... "Peace, be still......"

Peace Be Still.....

This is the message the Lord seems to be trying to get through to me.... and yet I continue to BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE DOOR! I truly feel the Lord has put this burning desire to share Jesus with people... and yet I pray and search for where and how He wants me to serve Him... every time I think it is Him calling me into some kind of a ministry to witness I basically am told no by those around me....
I haven't posted in almost a month... I have been walking in the flesh for most of that month.... fighting condemnation... confusion, etc... I have been either snapping my families heads of or in tears.... April has been privy to much of this....
I am not really going through anything to speak of.... other than finances... or lack of! Yet, I feel like I am going through the fire....
After church I spoke with my pastor about starting a street ministry... it looks like that once again it must have been me and not the Lord calling me like I thought... and through it all of coarse I was crying.... why do I always have to cry.... When my heart is breaking for the burden on my heart for the lost... when I am so passionate about something... when I feel the presence of the Lord.... I cry! Uggggggggggggggggggggggggg I am certain it is misinterpreted for the flesh or immaturity.... at times I must confess it is exactly that.... however many times it is not... sometimes do you just feel so misunderstood? Do you just feel like God is trying to do something in your life, in you and others just don't see it? ok, sounds like a pity party... lol
Anyway.... this is what the Lord spoke to me today.....
through worship songs and a word from a special friend.............................
"I am satisfied in You, my God.
and I will abide, in You, in the Vine."
as we sang that He whispered to my spirit... that is the key... be satisfied in Me....
and from my friend... she spoke His word... the same words He spoke to me a few weeks ago....
"Peace, be still....."
So, I will be praying for God's peace.... I will be asking Him to help me to lay all of my hearts desires to serve Him at His feet.... I can't save anyone, this I know.... I know the harvest is ready and workers are few.... but I have told Him.... Here I am Lord, send me.... He knows my heart.... I feel like I have heard Him knocking at the door.... but it won't open and I just keep banging my head on it.... this will never open the door either... so, I have unlocked the door, I have invited Him in and now I must wait for Jesus Christ to open it and call me out.... to join Him....
In the mean time I know I need to be faithful in the little things.... which I oh, so struggle to do! I need to minister to my family which I fall short on each and every day....
But for the desires of my heart.... that have been so overwhelming at times that it hurts........ I give to You, my Lord Jesus............ Have Thine Own way.............
and to me He says...... "Peace, be still........."

the Hand of God ....

I have been praying that Jeremy would have a heart for missions too. Our church had a mission team go to Lima Peru last year. When they announced a few months ago that they were going again this year Jeremy said he really wanted to go. I thought, surly this is the Lord putting this on his heart. So he started going to the planning meetings. He kept telling me that we didn't have the money. (we don't!) I kept telling him that if God was calling Him that He would provide. To plan as if he were going so if God did open the door he would be able to go. Well, there were some times that I became very frustrated at His glass half empty! He tried a few times to come to the conclusion that there was no way he could go. We didn't have the money.... I just kept saying if God is calling you He will provide. Well, a few weeks ago they had another meeting... Jeremy was all excited to go to it after church. When he came out he was quite down. He told me he wasn't going. I went to tell him what I had been telling him all along... but he proceeded to tell me that they were getting the tickets that day! I couldn't believe it. I was so certain that it was God calling Jeremy on this mission trip to Peru. I was floored because I truly thought God was going to provide.... so, I said, "Well, this is a very difficult lesson for us. We are paying a high price for years of not being good stewards of God's provisions." We have become MUCH BETTER! However there were years in our marriage where we did not always make the sound, Godly decisions. How sad that Jeremy would not be going on this trip for the Kingdom of God because of lack of funds....
Our Pastor came up behind him as we were talking. He said to him, "Do you really want to go to Peru?" Jeremy told him he did but there was no way. We didn't have the money to pay for the tickets. Then our Pastor told him, "You are going! Someone has paid for your way!!!!!!!!" I didn't hear this conversation so when Jeremy turned to me and told me that he was going to Peru.... I didn't understand... he told me what our pastor had just told him and I started jumping up and down and crying and thanking Jesus and saying I knew God would provide! It was a victory celebration in the LORD! Jeremy was a little upset with my display of emotions.... I think I stold his thunder.... that was never my intention. lol I get quite emotional and the joy of the Lord and gratitude was OVERFLOWING!
I have to tell you that I was more surprised when Jeremy came out of the room saying they were buying the tickets that day and he couldn't go than I was when I found out someone was serving as senders and paying for Jeremy's way to Peru....... I truly thought it was God calling him and I thought that perhaps this would be His coarse of action.... especially to show my husband what a God of provision and miracles He is......
So, just between us girls (please pray for my husband and for my patience) he has stressed some days on how he is going to come up with $100- 200.00 for the trip to pay for meals and their lodging........ I keep telling him that I am going to have a yard sell, I will sell an outfit or something but God provided the means for him to go it will work out for the other as well. UGGGG! How frustrated my Father must get at me when my faith is lacking.......
sooooooooooooooooooo we shall see..... I pray the Lord uses my husband in a mighty way for His kingdom.... I pray children are ministered to and people are born again..... I pray this is the first step in a journey of life long service to Him in the mission field and may God bless the wonderful family that chose to hear the voice of the Lord to serve Him as senders........................
The Hand of God is a Powerful Thing!

God Speaks....

A few months ago we had Pastor Wes Bentley visit our church. I was so excited! His ministry is Far Reaching Ministries in the Sudan. One day I will share more about this courageous soldier for Christ. After the service we had the opportunity to speak with him. He fell in love with Hannah. He said his brother and his family are missionaries in China (CONTACT) and work with the orphans. I was so excited! I asked him their information but he couldn't think of it. Told me to call his office here in the states and they would give me his brothers contact information. (What parents these two men of God must have) Then I asked him, "How do you know? How do you know if it is God calling you? If it is Him that has put this consuming, burning desire in your heart to travel to China and minister and share the truth of Jesus with her people?" He kind of laughed and he said, "You take short mission trips... then, if the feeling doesn't go away. You KNOW it is from God and you go!" Well, with the kids (Hannah) it will prove difficult to do this for me... but I will see. There is talk in our church of going to the Sudan next year to work with Pastor Wes. I have to tell you that it will about kill me to not go on this trip if they go.... I have had a heart for Africa since I was a teenager. But, I also know this is something to pray about continuously. For if it is not God calling me and I go it just might kill me. And even if it is I could still die. For me this is ok but for my babies..... I do not want to leave them with out their mama... so please pray for God's will. Jeremy doesn't want me to go on this trip of coarse. But he says if God calls me then I will go.

Anyway....... I kept putting off contacting Pastor Wes' headquarters to get his brother's info. Not sure why other than that I am a procrastinator. Well, my birthday rolls around..... the yearning in my heart to go to China is so strong it is constant. Well, the Lord had been talking to me daily and so had the defeated one..... I can't remember everything that was transpiring but I once again came to the point that there was NO WAY that Jesus could use us as full time missionaries... (I am beginning to see that this is the FLESH! For my God is bigger than my sins, my shortcomings, He is bigger than ME!) So, I was on a low.

(Brown eyed girl is playing and Hannah is dancing with her baby doll pressed up to her cheek like they are dancing the tango... her favorite dance to dance with Mama.... life is sweet...)

Well, my April sent me a birthday gift! I opened the box and found a book, "Saving Levi" and a movie "The Inn of Sixth Happiness". I was so excited. I began to read the book.... it is about this precious little boy who was BADLY burned and abandoned in a field to die in China. He was found and this American family that had begun an orphanage in China took him in and fell in love with him.... it is about God's plan in the life of this family and for little Levi. Well, I began to read about the Bentley family something kept trying to get my attention..... peck, peck, peck.... knock , knock, knock.... hello...... don't you see it Daleea..... something familiar here.... Bentley, Bentley, that is sooooo familiar. Wes Bentley! so, I delve into the book, searching for info, and there it is.... the pieces come together..... this is Pastor Wes, Bentley's brother and his family in China! I didn't contact them so God worked through April to have them contact me! Less than a month since talking with Pastor Wes! Is that You Lord? It simply must be! To big for a coincidence! Confirmation! (No, I still haven't contacted them. lol but I will and I know I will do it right when the Lord knows I will and it will be great to see if He is going to work through them to bring us to China, you never know. ( I also wanted to add that they were not experienced missionaries. He took his family for 3 months. He told his wife if she did not want to stay, if she did not love and feel called to China after 3 months that they would come home.... they are still there!)
The Inn of Sixth Happiness........ April, I have not told you I think.... but oh, how God has used this movie in our lives! Kristy had lovingly told me before that I have to allow the Holy Spirit to work on my husband's heart. That it was not my place to convince my husband to go to China. Well, I do share with him my heart's desire.... but, Holy Spirit has moved in his heart in a big way and He has used this movie to touch Jeremy's heart, over and over and over and over again! He has watched this movie probably 12 + times. sometimes has it playing two or three times in a row.... He has been saying things like, "When are we leaving?! I am ready to be a full time missionary in China!" "Lord, is that You?" "My precious little one.... how could it not be? Yes, child, it is Me and I have a plan for your family...."
"Here we are Lord, Send us!"

I Want My Life To Make A Difference....

I want my life to matter..... I want to make a difference for the Kingdom of God... I always hear Christians talking about how they are ready to go home.... of how the Lord is coming quickly. When I hear this my heart cries out, "No, Lord! Please, not yet!!!" I know that I am going to heaven when I die or He raptures His church. Not because of anything I have done but only because of the blood of Christ that has washed away my sin. I know that I am going to Heaven because He paid the price for my sin on the cross. But one day, when I do go to heaven, I will stand before the King of kings, my Lord and Savior and oh, how I long to hear the words, "Well done, My good and faithful servant." I have not been "good" or faithful.... I don't know that I have even been His servant. But oh, how I long to be... Jesus has given me so much... He has given me my life.... He has given me His life! When the Bible talks about our treasure in heaven, or reward... this is what I think it is.... I believe the greatest reward we could receive from the Lord when we are in Heaven is to be able to look around us and see people......... people that somehow, someway, our lives touched in a way that helped them to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior..... that somehow, someway you did something to help lead them to Jesus and that they are now in heaven.... for all eternity...

As for the Lord coming quickly..... I agree, He is.... the signs of the times are upon us.... prophesies of the Bible have been fulfilled... I believe the rapture of the body of Christ could come at any time and then the tribulation period of 7 years will be upon the earth. Most Christians cry out, "Come Quickly Lord!" I just cannot..... my heart cries out.... "No, Lord, please, not yet! There are so many that don't know You.... there are so many that have not received You into their heart." I know that He will not come before the last one that will say, "Yes, Lord, You are my God. I am a sinner, please forgive me. Thank you for dying on the cross for me and rising again so that I may live with You for all eternity in heaven. Because of You Jesus I am forgiven... come into my heart Lord Jesus." But I can't help but hope.... I can't help but pray that there are so many more people that will choose Christ Jesus as their Lord and Savior, that will choose life with Him in heaven over an eternity in hell..... Oh, how my heart burns with the desire to share Jesus! The time is growing short...... each day people die without being born again....... each day "good" people go to hell... each day people find out too late that all of their good works can not get them to heaven.... only the shed blood of Christ. Oh, use me Lord..... please give me Your Spirit of boldness to share the Good News....... Jesus loves you..... He died for you...... He paid the penalty of your sins upon the cross.... He rose again... though your sins are as scarlett, His blood washes them white as snow..... Receive Jesus into your heart as your Lord and Savior..... be born again.... into the kingdom of heaven............

"Here I am Lord, send me....."

Lord, is that You? CHINA

Oh so much to share..... so many times over the last few months that He has spoken to me regarding China. And yet, I did not record His words.... and I have forgotten most of them.... Amazing that I could so easily lose in the recesses of my mind a word and or confirmation from GOD! So, I will record what I can remember.

First let me say that I have had a heart for missions for almost 15 years. From the time I was saved. A deep burden and love especially for the peoples of Africa, China, Russia and Haiti. Isn't it amazing that my children are from two of those countries. For quite a few years I saw us living in Russia as missionaries some day. I have had a heart for Africa and her children since I was a child. If I wasn't married or a mom, I wouldn't be surprised if the Lord had sent me there.... but, oh, how thankful I am for my family! I have longed to take mission trips to Haiti as well to minister to the orphans and for spiritual warfare in Jesus' name as there is such a stronghold there. (all of these countries have strongholds by the enemy... but for some reason I always feel like in Haiti, if I ever go I will be engaged in a MAJOR spiritual battle.) And about 13 years ago I had it in my heart to go on a mission trip to China and "bring" Bibles in. Well, as deeply as my heart has cried out for these beautiful people to know Jesus.... to be ministered to by me through the Lord. I have yet to be able to go on a mission trip YET. This has actually been a source of grief for me. Before Nicholas came home my ONLY consolation of being a Mom without her children was that perhaps the Lord would call me into the mission field full time.
Well, the last few months the desire to move to China as full time missionaries has been growing within me. I can't let go of it.... I try to talk myself out of it.... "How could God use us? We are a mess.... we are a dysfunctional family, our walk with the Lord is no where near how it should be. Jeremy and I are at each other very often. (Jesus has brought much healing there but we still have a long way to go) How could we possibly be missionaries, telling others about Jesus... they would think we were total hypocrites! God can't use us..." I would also come under spiritual attack. Including the things above. The accuser of the brethren (satan who I will refer to as the enemy or the defeated one!) would and does constantly whisper in my ear, "God can't use you!"
And fear...... oh, the fear......... what will happen to us? Our families will think we are crazy Born Again Christians and disown us. What if we end up in prison Lord? Who will take care of my babies! What if I get tortured in prison.... I cry at pain. Oh, Lord if that happens give me the strength to endure, to praise you and glorify you. What if I get someone else in trouble for learning and following Jesus? What if my children get sick from the water or some horrible disease? We won't have any health insurance. The Dr.s and hospitals there are NOTHING like ours. How will we survive? How will we have an income? I can live in a tiny hut but oh, how I would love running water Lord.... and a toilet. My knees can't do a squatty potty! And my personal favorite fear attack....... one night as I lie awake thinking of China.... it HIT ME! the fear of being afraid! ( you may have to think about that one for a while. lol) This is it in a nut shell (or nutcase for me) Before Jeremy I used to get what I called anxiety attacks. (they aren't but I don't know what else to call them.) They would hit often and out of no where. ( I have also battled depression since I was a little girl) (ohhhh I can't believe I am telling you all this but it is part of my journey and I truly felt led to share it with you all..... please don't write me off as a crazy loon) These attacks would come over me like a wave. The only way I could describe them was this overwhelming lost, empty, sad, hopeless, frightened feeling.... it feels like I am lost in a desert.... I have no food, water, shelter.... I am just walking aimlessly.... it is dusk, the night is closing in on me. I hear coyotes howling and I am just waiting for them to come and eat me. (I feel like a fool sharing this..... I know I am going to regret it but for now I will forge ahead and hope you all still love me.) Anyway, since Jeremy and I have been together I don't get these very often. I know it is mostly due to my relationship with Jesus, I have security now.... but they still hit sometimes.... so, all of a sudden I thought to myself..... what if you go to China and that is how you feel? AFRAID! Then I realized I had stumbled upon an entire new category of fear for me.... the fear of being afraid. OH, BROTHER! I had to laugh at this one but truthfully, it is still there.
Having set the stage.... I just want to tell you that this stuff was and has been happening almost daily for months now. And each time as I try to talk myself out of it.... that it just couldn't be God calling us to the mission field or I am paralyzed in fear... trying to get myself to let go of this crazy, consuming desire to move to China and serve the Lord and help people to know Him and love Him and minister to the precious little ones without families.... the Lord speaks to me.... I remember one time, I became adamant! There was no way God could use Jeremy and I. Then I went to some one's blog (might have been one of yours) and someone had done a post with something written by I think it was Max Lucado about how we think that God can't use us.... but how he used Moses, (who argued with God that he was a stutterer and couldn't possibly be God's spokesman) David, (who was an adulterer) Paul, (who murdered Christians and persecuted the church as much as he could) Peter, (who denied Jesus three times) and the list went on and on, it was written much more eloquently. I need to find it because it is quite powerful. Anyway, I believe it was God speaking to me.... I was humbled.... God is bigger than me..... He is bigger than all of my short comings.... He is bigger than my sinful self.... I heard Him softly whisper to me, "Do you love Me?" "oh, yes Lord..... yes, I love You." "That is all you need."
After that I was certain the Lord was calling us to China.... that He had given me confirmation. That He had spoken to me..... This is the cycle I have been on daily...." Lord I believe, Help my unbelief!" Each time I doubt, I try to give up and each time He addresses the issues I am having and speaks to me... gives me confirmation.... I am then certain! Until a few hours later when I start doubting myself again!
One time when I was being assaulted by fears.... to the point that I was thinking, "No way! We can't do this... what about my children?!!!" (I think it was the time that I was suddenly afraid of getting there and being afraid) I was going to go to bed. In my night stand table I have a little stack of scripture cards that a friend made me in the drawer. I hadn't looked or even thought of them in probably more than a year. Well, as I was going to bed I was crying out to the Lord to speak to me.... please help me.... and I thought of those cards... I knew He was going to speak to me through them. So, I said "Ok, Lord, which one do you want me to read?" I instantly knew it was the top one. Whenever I am doing a devotional, Bible study, whatever it is and I fall away from it... whenever I pick it back up I am right where I need to be to minister to me for that day.... He just never fails me.... So, I knew that He would meet me right where we left off with exactly what I needed. I eagerly opened the drawer and lifted the card out. This is what "HE" said, "Be anxious for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4: 6-7
"Lord, is that You?" I say, "YES!" out of all of the thousands and thousands of scriptures in God's word.... it simply cannot be a coincidence when He does this! This is one of the ways He has been talking to me constantly these last months confirming that Yes, He is calling us to China to serve Him. I don't know how or when but today He told me at church that Yes, He was calling me, that He is preparing me.... (and my family) and one day He will send us to China.
I say, "Here I am Lord, send me."
There are many, many more times and ways that He has spoken to me about this... I remember some of them and they will blow your mind... at least they have blown mine! It is just so exciting when you hear the Voice of God.... it is very humbling.... I will share more soon... but I am afraid I have rambled on and on and have lost most of you.... Thank you for listening.... thank you for sharing.... your words of encouragement, support, friendship, and love (not thinking I am out of my mind) means more to me than you will ever know! God bless you sweet friends... and sweet, sweet dreams.

Is that You, Lord? ( Isabella)

I am going to try to remember some of the ways the Lord has been speaking to me and some of what He has said..... it has been constant for the last few months.... I am hearing His voice as never before. I feel Him changing my heart.... drawing me close to Him like a moth to a flame. Convicting my heart.... refining and purifying.... preparing me..... I am blessed....

Well, as you all know I have felt in my heart for sometime that my daughter Isabella is or will be soon waiting for me in China. It is amazing how you can love someone you have never met, never held, never seen with a deep, yearning love that is pure.... such is the love of a mother for her child. I believe that she will be on the SN list. Which is uncharted territory for me but when I am focused on the Lord I have peace about it. Still, I am waiting on Him for we cannot even begin our journey until He moves mountains. We do not meet China's financial qualifications to bring our 3rd child home. Before the explosion in Feb. Jeremy made enough with over time but they wouldn't count that as his yearly salary... he no longer gets any overtime so we are not making enough.... but in my heart I know I am not to return to work... I am to stay home and take care of my babies and my husband. For this I am thankful beyond words... I do however keep searching for a way to bring in an income. Through all of this I keep trying to convince myself to let go..... that Isabella could not truly be ours.... it is impossible.... we don't even have enough to pay all of the bills each month.... and yet in my heart I know that God is on the throne. He gets us through yet another month.... each month... He is teaching us to be better stewards of the money and provisions He has blessed us with.... it is a lot easier to do in times of want..... my prayer is that He is teaching us, so that we will do better in the next time of bounty. There are so many people I long to help financially (Robin, Starfish babies, Carla) and it hurts my heart that things are so tight that I am not able. This is a painful, heartfelt lesson.... But He will use it for good. Jeremy got paid yesterday, was able to pay some bills, tithed (which I thank God for... this is something He has been working on us about and for months I have been praying that Jeremy will tithe completely) and we have $6.00 left for the next week in the bank. I know he does have some cash but it isn't very much. The funny thing is that I feel God's peace.... I know it will be ok..... I am actually excited to see how God's hand moves to continue to provide for us. To God Be the glory!
(Remember I told you I would be rambling.... welcome to my world... this is how my mind works) lol Sooooooooooo as I was saying before I got sidetracked... I have been trying to let go of my Isabella..... everything seems to be screaming to me... IMPOSSIBLE! But my heart continues to hold her close.... to nurture her there, in my prayers.... I also come under spiritual attack from the enemy often about her.... fears, doubts, etc. Yet, each time when I feel like this can't be the Lord, it has to just be what I want, I need to let her go. she isn't mine.... Jesus speaks to me..... Often through scripture. I cannot remember specifics which is why I have begun this journal so I can chronicle this journey. Often through some thing someone says or that I read.... Often through my dear friends who offer love and support. Who lift me up with their words of encouragement..... (I thank you) and as silly as it may sound... He often speaks to me through you and what you write in your blogs. So many times I have been hanging on to her by a thread.... (perhaps a red thread indeed) and I will visit Gwen's blog.... She will have written something from the depths of her heart, her spirit..... loving cry for the orphans............ a cry from Jesus to love them, nurture them, help them, and bring them home to the families that He has chosen for them since before time began...... Each time, my heart breaks for all of the precious children who are alone, hurting, in great need.... and yet my heart soars because through Gwen's faithfulness... through her love..... I hear His voice speaking softly to me...... She is your child Daleea..... I will move those mountains..... and all will know that I Am GOD!
Oh, how I regret not recording all of the times He has spoken to me of my precious Isabella.... but I hope that I will be faithful to do so in the future so that He may be glorified.... so that one day my daughter can read about her journey.... about how the hand of God moved mountains to bring her home.....
This is the most recent.... "Is that You, Lord?" I have only gone to church on Weds maybe 2 or 3 times since Hannah has been home. It is hard with her... it is past her bedtime and I feel like why bother when all I will do is sit in her class room with her. I have been using her as an excuse because in all honesty I STRUGGLE to get to church. I am a recluse and a homebody and it is like pulling teeth most times to get me out the door to church. It is always a victory for the Holy Spirit when I arrive. Anyway, 4 weeks ago I went. Hannah did great and I was in the sanctuary.... and oh, the Lord was speaking to me.... (whenever I do go on weds. I am so blessed... He always pours out His spirit to me on Weds and gives me fresh oil) There is a husband and wife in charge of our children's ministry. Our church is small but we still need people in the children's ministry. Melissa is the only one teaching the children on Weds. Every week! Although I have the nursery on Sundays once a month and when ever she needs me to fill in. I honestly do not feel the call of Christ to be in the children's ministry at our church. I do however feel His call to help out until those who He is CALLING becomes involved. Well, on this Weds. I heard Him loud and clear (you have to understand.... I have hardly ever heard Him in this way.... where it was so clear and I KNEW it was Him!) I was to help Melissa every other Weds. I was to teach the children. I knew that yes, it will minister to the children and their families so they can learn more about Jesus. But He was calling me to minister to His servant Melissa..... It was so awesome because I have been searching for a way to do just that.... my prayer was answered. So, after church I went to her and told her that it was not ok for her to be with the children every Weds. That until others signed up to help I would be teaching the kids every other week so she could be in the sanctuary. ( Do you like how I asked her humbly if I could help? lol I was on a mission from the LORD and I walked in it boldly) Melissa looked at me stunned as she knows me pretty well, I have also told her that I do not "feel" called to the children's ministry but I need to help out while there is a need. (funny how I FEEL CALLED to minister to the orphans in China, Africa, Russia and Haiti) Well, she said to me.... maybe you should pray about this and get back to me. I politely but firmly told her, "NO, I do not need to pray about this, I was told to do this." she looked confused and asked if our Pastor had told me and I told her, "No, the Lord did. And He was very clear about it. " She looked shocked but I think she could see the resolve in my eyes. I explained to her that yes I would be ministering to the children and their families..... but that He was CALLING me to minister to her..... she needed that time with Him.... to be fed and in fellowship with the body of Christ.
So she agreed but told me I needed to do it I think it was two weeks from then. I reluctantly agreed to wait. The next time I saw her she looked at me as if waiting to see if I had changed my mind. I started laughing.... I told her that she knew me well.... Yes, when I got home I FREAKED OUT! What had I done?!!!!!! Now I had committed myself to attend church every WEDS! (My family also comes under attack every time I volunteer for the children's ministry.... usually it is Hannah who gets sick) I told her that after I freaked out..... I gave it to the Lord because I KNEW that He had called me to it.... and I had peace about it. (It is so cool because since I obeyed Him and said, Yes, Lord...... I have not struggled to go to church! Thank You Jesus! I find myself looking forward to it. Usually by Friday afternoon I start trying to talk myself out of going on Sunday... that hasn't been happening... I know it may again but for now I am just so thankful for the reprieve from my SELF! I have been praying the prayer of Jabez often.... He keeps telling me that I must be faithful in the little things before He will enlarge my territory... so I have truly been trying and He has been changing me through His Spirit. I am oh, so grateful!) Ok, back to the story, (if any of you are still reading) Something kept coming up and Melissa kept telling me that she would teach that week and I could do it the next week. Finally last Sunday I told her that I was going to teach the children on Weds. I then proceeded to remind her that when the Lord is calling you to sit quietly at His feet and you keep running around, even if you are doing work for Him... He often will bring you to that quiet place in an unpleasant way! (meaning He sometimes allows your body to break down in someway and you find yourself bed ridden for a time and then you will sit quietly with Him.)
Ok.... the part you have all been waiting for..... Tuesday night I was emailing one of you..... talking about Isabella.... how I am 43 years old. There is no way to even begin our journey to her in site.... I just needed to let go of her.... I am too old.... I guess the Lord isn't going to move our mountains.... WELL! Weds. morning I went to read the lesson for that night and to prepare for it.... This is what the lesson was about...... Elizabeth and Zachariah were very old. They had been praying to the Lord for years and years for a son. Finally they thought they were just too old and that they would never have their son. When Zachariah went into the temple to burn incense to the Lord, the angel Gabriel appeared and told him that Elizabeth was going to have a son and his name is John. He would prepare the way for the Messiah. Well Zachariah didn't believe so the Lord struck him dumb until the baby was born.
Ok....... "Lord, Is that You?!!!!!!!" This is how He has been speaking to me.... these kinds of things..... of all the Bible stories in the Bible..... all the reasons Melissa kept putting me off from teaching..... of all the weeks and months I didn't attend Weds..... now, the very first lesson I teach.... the day after I said, "I am just too old!" and this is "my lesson" I just can't believe that it is a mere coincidence.... NO! it is a God-o-ince! He is speaking to me! I believe it is You Jesus! You are constant. You have been speaking to me and I thank You that I am finally hearing You! I thank You that I have begun this chronicle of your words to me on this journey... for even though in my heart of hearts I know it is You.... I know Isabella is mine.... I know you are calling us to the mission field.... my mind tries to walk by site and says no, it isn't so.... it is impossible...... "WELL," I say to my mind, "You are MISTAKEN! My God is an awesome God! He is able to do ALL things! With God NOTHING is impossible! If He tells me He is going to move mountains then He will move mountains in His perfect timing..... He is ABLE.... after all, is He not the One who created those mountains!"
So, I find myself asking, "Lord, is that You?" And I believe (when I am focused on Him) that Yes, it is Him.....
What do you think?

Hello Friends....

If you have accepted my invitation I thank you and welcome you... I am honored with your presence. This is something that has been on my mind for a few months now... The Lord has been moving in mine and Jeremy's hearts.... preparing us for something.... I believe to serve Him for His kingdom. I am quite bad at journaling so I keep thinking if I blog it, I can type away and perhaps keep a record of this journey that Jesus is leading us on. There have been so many times the last few months where He is talking to me... leading me, guiding me, assuring me, changing me... and I often question, Lord, is that You? (hence the title) and yet it has to be because it is too awesome to be a coincidence. I have already lost so many of those times, those precious words, and confirmations from God in my feeble mind.... for this I grieve.... So, as I can recall them I will back track in my posts....
I completely understand if you do not want to share in this journey with me.... I count you all friends and wanted to invite you in to share in my heart's desires, my conversations with the Lord, my daily thoughts.... hoping that in some small way Jesus might minister to you through His refining of me. I also have selfish reasons... I know He will minister to me through you..... He has already spoken to me through many of you. I am praying I will be able to recall some of those times.....
So, if you would like to join me on this journey..... thank you and welcome.... prepare for much rambling and please know I am trusting you with my heart and my mind.... I am taking a risk at loosing your friendships because you will think I am crazy. I would like to type LOL there but to be quite honest, people often find me too strange for their taste..... I believe they are mistaking passion for insanity.... but I will let you be the judge...
Thank you all for being my friend.... each and every one of you are a blessing in my life....
God Bless You and God's Speed to His perfect will in each of our lives....